I came into this world with nothing and I have most of it left.

My mother-in-law is so fat, she went to Texas wearing high heels and struck oil.

I don't know many women I hate that would have sex with me.

If Tom Brady's available, so am I.

You can save a lot of money on clothes if you don't wear any.

Sure fooled me. I didn't think they were that big.

You shouldn't have gone there. You knew you were going to get royally screwed. And now look, you don't have a car.

If I could make an extra twenty bucks a day, I'd be set for life.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love.
-- Woody Allen as Alvy Singer, Annie Hall, 1977

Don't push me forward while I'm falling over.

I've been obscure for so long, there used to be a picture of me next to the word in the dictionary, but it was removed.

Russia's secret weapon is Western government policy.

Elon Musk, father of the external combustion engine.

Chalk up another win for polar bears.

If you cave on small stuff, you will certainly cave on big stuff.

Let them eat bandwidth.

Biden is like a cat turd in the litter box that refuses to stay buried.

Even the smart people are stupid.

Due to inflation, the Big Guy's cut is now 12%.

I don't remember taking showers in college.

It's been a great day so far. Don't ruin it.

He's a fat, useless millennial with no drive. His wife makes him sleep in a separate room.

Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times.

Me and my buddy's G.I. Joes used to take liberties with his sister's Barbies.

A man's rights rest in three boxes: the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
-- Frederick Douglass

I am making $162/hour telecommuting.