Patio Etiquette: Do's and Don'ts for Summer Gatherings

Summer is coming on fast, and with warmer weather comes lighter clothing, tanning, and the challenge of outdoor gatherings. Beyond what to cook and how to arrange tables, IdleGuy.com took on the unenviable task of defining some rules of the road for proper manners at summer parties, be they by the pool, at the beach, on the deck, patio, or in the back yard.

We've encapsulated the best and worst behaviors for what we like to call Patio Etiquette so that anybody and everybody understands what to do and not do, so you'll keep receiving invites to summer get-togethers and not be sitting alone at home wondering where all the cool kids are.

At the Beach or Pool:

DO: Wear something that accentuates your physique. For men, open shirts, regular swimming trunks and sandals are fine. For women, bikinis or full swimsuits, tank tops or halter-tops are suitable.

DON'T: Wear spandex. Women with huge thighs and asses should be discouraged from even approaching the beach. Guys with big guts need to work out, suck it up or stay the F*** at home. Why embarrass yourself?

DON'T: Wear a Speedo. Ever.

DO: Engage with the opposite sex in a mannerly fashion. There's no need to stare at boobs or oogle the guy with the stunning abs. Discipline and constraint are essential to establishing rapport without violating borders. Touching is strongly discouraged unless consent is given.

DON'T: Drool.

DO: Imbibe extensively on adult beverages while knowing your limit.

DON'T: Get so intoxicated your friends attempt to drown you or call the police. Nobody appreciates a drunken slob pushing people into the water or licking every passer-by on the neck.

DO: Eat with your hands. Most summer snacks - wings, pizza, burgers, dogs, etc. - are designed to be hand-to-mouth.

DON'T: Try to impress everyone with how much you can eat or how many olives you can stuff into your mouth. Nobody cares.

DON'T: Puke. It's gross even thinking about it, especially if you do it while in the water.

DO: Have casual fun with members of the opposite sex. Play games like badminton, volleyball, or have chicken fights.

DON'T: Become too aroused with close personal contact. Groping, fondling or playing hide the sausage is not group-oreinted activity unless everybody's doing it. Definitely don't do it alone.

DO: Body shots.

DON'T: Light farts.

On the Deck or Patio:

DO: Bring something to share. A bottle of wine, a 12-pack of beer, your home-made potato salad, or a gift for the hosts.

DON'T: Complain there's none of your favorite beer or enough pretzles. You should have had enough foresight and common decency to have brought your own, you ungrateful slob.

DO: Talk about the weather, sports, cars, fashion, music.

DON'T: Bring up politics or sexual preferences, especially if you're anti-Trump LGBTQ-whatever. People will wonder if the hosts have lost their minds by inviting you in the first place.

DO: Check out what's on the grill.

DON'T: Advise the chef on how to cook ANYTHING. Just STFU and eat, stupid.

DO: Introduce yourself to any people you don't already know.

DON'T: Slobber over a hot gal or stud without determining who she or he is with. Such behavior is not only a poor practice, it might also end your sad existence, very, very suddenly.

DO: Engage in lively discussions. Have strong opinions.

DON'T: Get so heated you start a fist-fight or pull out your gat and threaten people. Shootings are for "block parties", not informal gatherings. Keep your 'hood manners where they belong, which is nowhere near sane people.

In the Back Yard:

DO: Comment on tasteful landscaping.

DON'T: Brag that yours is better, bigger, prettier because, chances are, it's not.

DO: Eat hot dogs, sausage or brats.

DON'T: Slide them into your mouth - or any other open orifice - vertically.

DO: Pet the dog.

DON'T: Feed the dog.

DON'T: Have sex with the dog.

DO: Enjoy any number of cold beers.

DON'T: Pour beer from height, with raised arm extended, Viking-style. It's really gone out of fashion, like, since the 8th century.

DO: Smoke a little something before or during the occasion, privately.

DON'T: Do bong hits at Police Benevolent Association picnics.

DO: Groove to music.

DON'T: Do the hustle, the bump, try to organize a line dance, or do any pre-2000 dances. Try to be hip, even though you're not.

DO: Be cool.

DON'T: Be stupid or wear white after Labor Day (same thing).