In a few days, December 4, I'll turn 70. Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far in life, having burnt candles at both ends, engaging in all manner of risky behaviors for many years.

But, here I am, about to head into an eighth decade of living. For those of you who think 70 or 71 is old, think again. While I'm unable to dunk a basketball (never could anyhow) or leap tall buildings at a single bound, I find myself in relatively good physical and mental condition overall, and note that most of the people I grew up with - high school and college acquaintances and such - are still getting around just fine.

While some people will attest to good genetics for this miracle of longevity, I offer another method to stay youthful in mind and spirit even as the body slowly deteriorates. I call it the numerical reverse aging process.

When I was getting up there in years, probably around 50 or so, I decided to try to turn back time a bit by reversing my age. So, instead of turning 51, in my mind, I would become 15, simply by reversing the numbers. This worked fine when I turned 52 (25), 53 (35), and 54 (45), the latter two I could actually fool most people into believing I was 35 or 45 instead of 53.

Matter of fact, I was playing some hoops with a bunch of teenagers at a public court one day, when I tried a reverse layup that didn't quite go as well as expected. As the ball hit the underside of the rim and bounced into the other team's hands, I declared, "well, I'm not 35 anymore, I'm 53."

Suddenly, the game stopped. The boys stood in a shocked state of awe, a few of them calling me out, saying, "yo, dude, you ain't no 53." Insisting that I was, I actually had to pull out my driver's license to prove it to them. While they were impressed, I was ecstatic that I was considered so youthful.

By age 55, I realized two things: first, I was back where I started from; and second, after this, I'd have to start thinking and acting older than I really was. 56 turned into 65, and I imagined myself a retired person (I actually already was). 57 (75), 58 (85) and 59 (95) were weird. I tried to slow myself down to a level I thought I'd be at those advanced ages. Trying to act and think like an 85 or 95-year old man just isn't my style, but I kept on with my mental gymnastics since they seemed to be working.

Probably the best years of my life were when I turned 62 and 63, believing to be 26 and 36. I actually lived off-grid in a motorhome parts of those years on some land I had purchased. Those days were blissful and satisfying. Caution was thrown to the wind and life seemed worthwhile and almost wonderful.

At 66, I moved to Tennessee, and, to be honest, I haven't really slowed my roll to that of a 76, 86, or 96-year-old. Maybe mentally I took a more conservative attitude toward things and was a little less inclined to spontaneous reactions. Supposedly, one gets wiser with age. Flipping the numbers didn't offer me any great insight, but I did feel a bit less invincible and tried to be more circumspect in my affairs.

Over the last year, going through it as a 7-year-old, I tried to learn new things, explore areas I had never considered and grow intellectually. It's been a year of discovery and self-inspection, looking forward to being a teenager once again.

Looking forward and then again, back, when I actually did turn 17 in 1970, I was in my last year of high school. Managing to graduate, barely, having been fed up to the gills with more classrooms and courses than I ever desired, off to college at Syracuse University I wnt in the fall of 1971. Looking back on those halcyon days, the only worries I had were whether or not I'd get drafted into the Vietnam War (didn't, my lottery number was 250 - funny the things we remember) and how often I'd score with the campus coeds.

Giving more attention to my pool game than my studies, I realized that college was little more than an extension of high school, albeit, without parents or attendance. I skipped most of my classes and spent far more time cavorting and carrying on than hitting the books. I still managed to complete most of my assignments and pass, even getting a couple of "A"s along the way. I did have to drop my Latin 101 class because of the teacher. She was so gorgeous, I couldn't concentrate on anything but her, and I told her so. She was mildly amused, but that's as far as it went. The one other oddity was having my request for an F turned into a passing D. I forget which course it was - Sociology or something - but I wrote the teacher a note explaining that I had never been to any classes except the first one, didn't do any of the assigned work and didn't even take the exams. Maybe my honesty convinced her to pass me anyway. More cynically, there was probably some policy objective in passing students rather than failing them. After all, as a private institution, Syracuse U. was only in it for the money.

That was then. This time around, I'm thinking that I'll skip college altogether and go straight into business, which is probably what I should have done in the first place. As the song, Ooh La La, written by Ron Lane and Ronald Wood, and performed by Rod Stewart, expresses the angst of aging and the folly of youth, "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger," I have done better. With my numerical reverse aging process, I have discovered the antidote to aging and the mythical fountain of youth at the same time.

I do know what I know now, and I can imagine myself as a younger version. It's just like starting over, blessed with all the experiences of a life well-lived.

This is a year that I'll be attempting to make great strides without making the mistakes I made years ago. This could turn out to be something special.

In all seriousness, if you're getting on in years, especially if you're at the front half of your 50s or 60s, you might want to give it a try. The old adage, "you're as young as you feel," might hold more truth than wishful thinking. If you can at least partially convince yourself that you're not 53, but 35, or remind yourself to act and feel the way you did back then, it could go a long way toward slowing down your psychological clock.

Along with attitude, exercise and good diet will also serve you well.

Yippie! I'm going to be 17... again.

Choice Thoughts on Constipation

With Trump winning and choosing people to nominate for various cabinet posts, a couple of old-line political hacks have been making the rounds on CNN and elsewhere. Bill Kristol, born of a neocon mold that's since been discarded, and the disgraced former CIA chief, John Brennan have done their level best to undermine the incoming administration.

While there's not much to be said about their political convictions or social consciences since they possess none of either, any time I see either of them, I can't help but think that their bowel movements have much to do with their mental acuity. By outward appearances, it seems that neither of these dodo birds has been able to take a righteous dump in years.

Take a look. If those aren't the visible strains of extreme constipation, I don't know what is.

These two are severely backed up.

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And, Finally, When Friends Flatter Only Themselves

I received a few emails from birthday well-wishers. I don't even venture onto Facebook, where I know a few old fellows and gals will wish me well. The first I received on my birthday (December 4) was from a friend whom I've known for nearly sixty years, a high school chum and one with whom I've shared an adventure or two, though long ago.

Here's what he wrote (the name has been obscured to protect the accursed):

* * * * *

Subject: Happy 71st 12/4/24 12:33 AM

Rick,
Wishing you all the best, today and always. Figured I'd send this before sacking out, just in case the morning gets complex, one thing leads to another, etc.
Sometime later I shall raise a glass in your direction... be well!
XXX
Sent from my iPad

* * * * *

Notice that the email was sent late in the evening, or, rather, early in the AM, and his reason was more of his convenience than anything else. At first, I thought maybe he was being considerate of me, that my day might be "complex", but, alas, upon reflection, the realization that he was more concerned that he might neglect his duty to mark the occasion because he would be too busy became grotesquely evident.

Well, alright, then. You're a busy guy. I know. And, you're also a self-absorbed, narcissistic blowhard.

Notably, I had contacted him some months ago, asking if he could take a look at idleguy.com and give me his opinion. His rather curt response was that he had so much reading to do leading up to the election, that he could only offer a cursory look. That kind of upset me, but, I chalked it up to years and years of neglect and distance. For the record, this genius thinks he's well-informed because the reads the New York Times.

Anyhow, thinking I should reply with thanks for his well-wishing, I sent the following:

* * * * *

Re: Happy 71st 12/4/2024 5:04 PM

XXX,

Thank you for being the first to recognize my aging, but, screw that, I'm turning 17 instead of 71.

https://idleguy.com/122024/2pubdesk.php

You're as old as you feel, and I feel fine.

All the best,

Rick Gagliano
Downtown Magazine Inc.
dtmagazine.com

* * * * *

To which this reply was returned:

* * * * *

Re: Happy 71st 12/4/2024 9:25 PM

So next year... 18?... 16?... 27?....or channeling Michael Keaton as Mr mom..."220.. 221..whatever it takes "
Glad you are feeling fine.

Sent from my iPad

* * * * *

I've never seen the movie, "Mr. Mom", but I imagine it's OK, since Michael Keaton played the lead role. However, by his questioning, I discerned that this monstrous malaprop hadn't even taken the time to read my article, which was linked to in the email.

It may have been comedian Joey Adams who coined the phrase, "with friends like that, who needs enemies?" While it might not be completely appropriate to this situation, it somewhat sums up my feelings about long-standing friendships from miles and miles away and years and years apart.

People who value their time more than yours, and think themselves a cut above the rest are not really your friends. They are little more than predators in the jungle of human emotions. As such, I have no need for faint praise nor the impression of caring from people who not only cannot disguise their disingenuous nature, but are too stupid to see that they've exposed themselves as the solipsistic saps that they are.

I won't be wishing him a happy birthday at any future time. I may have lost a friend, but the measure of self-respect I've gained far outweighs the value of this association.

I'm fairly certain it's for the best, for both of us.

This Month in History

Historic events from Decembers past.

December 1, 1925 - The Locarno Treaties were signed by France, Belgium and Germany, as a preventive measure to avoid another war, in the aftermath of World War I. Terms were guaranteed by Britain and Italy.

December 1, 1955 - Rosa Parks is arrested in Montgomery, Alabama, for refusing to give up her seat to a white man and move to the back section of a municipal bus.

December 2, 1804 - Napoleon Bonaparte crowned Emperor of France by Pope Pius VII in Paris.

December 2, 1859 - John Brown executed for treason at Charles Town, West Virginia, following his raid at Harper's Ferry.

December 3, 1857 - Polish novelist Joseph Conrad (1857-1924) is born in Ukraine.

December 3, 1984 - A deadly gas leak at a Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killed at least 3,000 persons and injured more than 200,000.

December 4, 1953 - Famous publisher, (Fearless) Rick Gagliano is born in Rochester, New York.

December 4, 1991 - Journalist Terry Anderson of the AP, kidnapped on March 16, 1985 and held for 2,454 days by Islamic Jihad captors, is released.

December 5, 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands on the island of Haiti.

December 5, 1791 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart dies a pauper at age 35 in Vienna, Austria.

December 5, 1901 - Walt Disney (1901-1966) is born in Chicago, Illinois.

December 5, 1933 - The 18th Amendment (Prohibition) to the U.S. Constitution is repealed. For nearly 14 years, since January 29, 1920, it had outlawed the manufacture, transportation, and sale of alcoholic beverages in the U.S.

December 6, 1877 - Thomas Edison invents the phonograph.

December 7, 1941 - U.S. Naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, is attacked by nearly 200 Japanese aircraft, starting America's involvement in World War II.

December 8, 1980 - Former Beatle, John Lennon, shot and killed in front of the Dakota apartment building across from Central Park New York City.

December 11, 1901 - The first transatlantic radio signal is transmitted by Guglielmo Marconi from Cornwall, England, to St. John's, Newfoundland.

December 11, 1936 - King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of England to marry Wallis Warfield Simpson.

December 12, 1821 - French author Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880) born in Rouen.

December 14, 1503 - French physician Nostradamus (1503-1566) born in St. Remy, Provence, France.

December 15, 1995 - European Union leaders announced their new currency, the Euro.

December 16, 1773 - Colonial activists disguised as Mohawk Indians boarded British ships anchored in Boston Harbor and dumped 342 containers of expensive tea into the water in what became known as The Boston Tea Party.

December 16, 1770 - Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827) born in Bonn, Germany.

December 18, 1940 - Adolf Hitler orders the German General Staff to begin planning Operation Barbarossa, the invasion of Soviet Russia.

December 18, 2019 - Donald Trump, the 45th U.S. President, was impeached for a second time by the House of Representatives on charges of Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Congress. Trump was acquitted on February 5, 2020 when the U.S. Senate failed to reach the two-thirds majority needed for conviction.

December 19, 1732 - Benjamin Franklin first publication of Poor Richard's Almanac.

December 20, 1860 - South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union in a prelude to the American Civil War.

December 21, 1988 - Pan American Flight 103 exploded in midair as the result of a terrorist bomb and crashed into Lockerbie, Scotland.

December 22, 1858 - Italian composer Giacomo Puccini (1858-1924) was born in Lucca, Tuscany.

December 23, 1913 - The U.S. Congress passed the Federal Reserve Act establishing the Federal Reserve System to serve as the nation's central bank.

December 23, 1947 - The transistor was invented at Bell Laboratories by John Bardeen, Walter Brattain and William Shockley, who would later share the Nobel Prize

December 24, 1814 - The Treaty of Ghent between America and Britain was signed, officially ending the War of 1812.

December 25th - Christmas Day, commemorating the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. Although the exact date of his birth is not known, it has been celebrated on December 25th by the Western (Roman Catholic) Church since 336 A.D.

December 25, 1642 - Isaac Newton (1642-1727) born in Woolsthorpe, Lincolnshire, England.

December 25, 1776 - George Washington took 2,400 of his men across the Delaware River to conduct a surprise raid on 1,500 British soldiers and Hessian mercenaries at Trenton, New Jersey.

December 27, 1571 - German astronomer Johannes Kepler (1571-1630) was born in Wurttemberg, Germany.

December 29, 1170 - Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting on orders from England's King Henry II.

December 30, 1803 - The United States took formal possession of the territory of Louisiana, an area of 885,000 square miles, nearly doubling the size of the U.S. The territory had been purchased from France for approximately $15 million.

December 30, 1865 - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) is born in Bombay, India.

December 31, 1879 - Thomas Edison provided the first public demonstration of his electric incandescent lamp at his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.